I have this problem where I allow people’s arrogance to piss me off moreso than it should. I recently made a video about how troubled I am by the MRA movement and was bombarded with hateful comments, comments that were so vague yet so specific in stating that I was an idiot who was irrational and incorrect without offering any counter-claims explaining my incorrect stance, comments about my appearance and my weight, and comments full of anecdata describing how these one-off incidents were prime examples of men’s oppression in our society.

I was also told that all of the problems men face (not being able to gain custody of children, being murdered at higher rates than women, prison rape, etc) were examples of rights issues and male oppression, but that women being raped at alarming rates, women being muscled out of career advancement by boys clubs and sexist comments/harassment/bullying tactics, being forced into prostitution and sex work (which I consider in a way the equivalent of these cries of the number of homeless men, let’s face it, many of these women who are prostitutes are essentially homeless, and often only receive shelter through an exploitative male figure such as a pimp, but you don’t see them lumped in with the homeless population), etc, were not rights issues, nor were they true oppression.

I was then told that, despite the fact that primarily men own the media outlets, it’s a feminist media. I was given a handful of shows that were examples of women on tv, while completely overlooking all the man-specific shows and channels, and ignoring the wide variety of male representation vs the very limited gender roles that women play on tv which tend to play up their helplessness, annoyingness, cattiness, and focus specifically on their beauty.

I was told that my own failures in the workplace, and the failures of other women, were simply a lack of talent and competence. Without even seeing me work, or seeing the products of my efforts, the assumption was made that I, as a woman, am simply incapable of the same results that a man would get in the same position. The clear gender bias in my field is all in my head as well. Meanwhile, when men don’t succeed, it is directly related to affirmative action. It has nothing to do with their abilities and is a completely sexist, racist conspiracy to bring the white man down (BTW, I am racist for acknowledging the MRA movement is primarily a phenomenon of the white males in our society. Their telling me how diverse their movement is means it is true).

I was then told that they are not sexist because there are a handful of MRAs who happen to be women, and not racist because a handful of MRAs happen to be minorities. They aren’t sexist against youtube vlogger girlwriteswhat because she does an excellent job of being sexist against herself, or, according to them, she speaks rationally and intelligently. Her disdain for her own gender is so clear that they don’t have to treat her in a sexist manner, the work has been done for them. But I was told to watch her videos for a wake up call, when all I was treated to was more blatant hypocrisy and a bunch of sexist theories.

Men’s rights are real issues, women’s rights are a bunch of whining

We have the titanic theory in which the concept of “women and children first” shows that women were valued and men were disposable. Girlwriteswhat chalks this up to the fact that men can constantly produce sperm, but women can only produce one egg at a time, have a 9 month gestation period, etc. Ok, guys, hate to break it to you, but that “women and children first” bit was just another one-off. A moment in time in which women were given preferential treatment over men, which MRAs will use as a shining example of systematic oppression of men in our society. They completely disregard the reality that children are our future, and that any parent would gladly give their lives so that their child could continue theirs. This was a time where women were the primary caregivers of their children, a role that they had very little choice in opposing, so it was seen as in the best interest of the children to send the mothers along with them. If a similar situation were to occur in this day and age, whoever the primary care giver happened to be, be it male or female, would likely be sent with the child. Not to mention, it was, maybe still is, a desire of men to continue their lineage. A 50 year old man was not likely to go on to spread his seed further, yet his sons and daughters had the option to create future generations of Smiths and Jones given the opportunity to escape the ship. Regardless of the thought process behind it, this was not common practice, nor is it a solid example of male oppression. It’s just a tragedy that unfortunately could have been prevented but wasn’t.

Another troubling issue I took with her idea of right and wrong was in the raising of her children, she seems to find it necessary to use gendered insults to motivate her children (this is a long video, but there is example after example of her hatred of women in this interview) When motivating her daughter she calls her a princess (funny, I was called a princess repeatedly in my comments section) which is code for stop acting like an entitled woman who thinks she is royalty. When motivating her son she tells him to “pull up his big girl pants,” again, insinuating that there is something inherently wrong, lazy, and whiny about being a woman. These are two children who are going to grow up with prejudices against women stemming from their mother’s obvious bias in assuming that women are, by nature, lazy.

In the same interview she takes responsibility for her own rape, saying that, had she not knowingly put herself in a dangerous situation, she would not have been raped. Ok, this is incredibly troubling, and I came across a really excellent quote that helped me express my feelings on the subject of victim blaming on one of my new favorite blogs, manboobz:

And does anyone else find it disturbing how much MRAs talk about “programming?” its disturbing because it denies people, especially women, control of their actions and gives MRAs the belief that because women are “programmed” a certain way, thus men must control them so they don’t get out of hand.

Similarly when they talk about men’s programming it denies them the responsibility of their actions. Like when they say “sorry but I’m programmed to catcall when I see a chick in a lowcut top.’ Yet they never allude to anyone controlling men or removing men’s rights to save them from themselves. They never allude to locking men in the house if they can’t help harassing women on the street. Instead they force women to wear burquas and bear the consequences of their actions

So girlwriteswhat should have not lived her life in accordance to her needs and wants because of the likelihood that a man might choose to victimize her, and her subsequent victimization after having made a “not so safe” choice somehow holds her at least partially responsible for the victimization, as she wouldn’t have been victimized had she stayed home that night.

I must express how incredibly false this statement is from a completely different standpoint than simply being against blaming the victim. Had she not been victimized that night, her life may have taken a completely different path, eventually landing her in a situation in which she was raped in a different set of circumstances. To dwell on what ifs is dangerous, deceiving, and illogical. You cannot determine what would have happened in your life had you not made one decision because one decision can completely alter the course of your life in ways which you cannot imagine.

Ok, let’s, for a moment, compare this to one of the epidemics that MRAs love to go on about: The rape of incarcerated men, and particularly the rape of those who have committed rape. I absolutely, 100%, feel that it is wrong to rape, regardless of gender, regardless of choice, regardless of anything. Rape is never acceptable and never the fault of the victim. Another person makes a decision to rape you, and while you could technically “fight back,” that could result in the person being hurt even worse, or possibly killed. Any and all choice made before, during, or after a rape does not make the rape any more or less the fault of the victim, as it is always 100% on the rapist for committing the crime.

That being said, MRAs are constantly trying to get women to take responsibility if they wore a short skirt or walked down an alley alone, but never suggest that incarcerated men bare partial responsibility for having committed a crime in the first place. Everyone knows that the likelihood of being raped as a man dramatically increases upon incarceration (and this is a provable assertion through statistics, and not through a false assumption that the wearing of a short skirt encourages rape), yet men still choose to commit crimes that will land them in jail. So if I were to subscribe to this false mentality that victims were somehow to blame for their choices that happened to land them in a situation in which they were victimized, MRAs would have to accept that the men who choose to commit crimes are also responsible for their own rapes. They would also have to accept responsibility in their choices to associate with women who rape them, as many women are blamed for their selection in male acquaintances and partners and admonished for trusting said acquaintances and partners when they happened to assault them.

The list of hypocrisy goes on and on and just diminishes the likelihood that anyone will take their movement seriously. It’s unfortunate for the causes they stand for which do actually deserve attention, such as the need for both parents to get a fair shot at custody rights, and for the rape of men by women to be recognized as rape and not “other sexual assault.” But instead of focusing on these issues and seeking to create legislation that rectify them, they seem to be more concerned with blaming feminism for them. They make statements about unequal treatment of men and lace them with anti-woman sentiments.

They write off any non-supportive statements of MRAs immediately, without even listening or reading beyond the first few sentences, as irrational straw man arguments.

They expect women to take full responsibility for all of their actions, and even the actions of others against them, while acting as though men are victims of the feminist culture in which they were raised. Feminism is to blame somehow for male victimization of other males, despite the fact that men have been committing violent crimes against each other since the dawn of time, centuries before women had even the slightest bit of control.

The other flaw of the movement is how quick they are to lump all women in with the actions of one bad person. Their paranoia about sperm burglars runs so rampant in their community that it was used as an argument as a privilege that women hold in the comments of one youtube video:

Despite the fact that sperm only survive for a few minutes to a few hours outside the body, making it pretty unlikely that this tactic would actually work, it’s insanity to assume that women are actually doing this often. There is also this hatred towards women who claim to be on the pill, allowing the man to engage in intercourse without a condom, while completely ignoring the amount of men who insist on using the pull out method, but then don’t actually follow through with pulling out. When it comes down to it, neither gender is any more or less responsible for the use of contraceptives. Both can insist that a condom is used, both can be, and are at times, dishonest when it comes to using protection. Yet MRAs take some examples of women’s dishonesty, the accidents that happen when they are using birth control, or the allowing of sex without a condom, and use it to paint all women in this lying, manipulative light, assuming that their individual sperm is so valuable to women that they must steal it from them. This insistence that all women are trying to trap them for 18 years of child support is a paranoid delusion that I don’t even feel is that necessary to touch upon because it’s so obvious, yet it’s constantly being touted as trufax.

I could continue but I have homework to do. I am just bewildered by this phenomenon and I am at my wits end hearing all of this anti-woman hate speech in an attempt to understand if there is even the slightest bit of validity in their claims. Part of me wants to just ignore it, delete my video, and cut my losses, because at least then there will not be yet another batch of ignorant, misogynistic comments out there to rile men up and shame women. But the other part of me does not want to avert my eyes on the chance that they truly are planning violent acts against women in order to prove a point, which is displayed regularly in the comments sections of their articles.

You men know this is not going to stop by begging, pleading, burning yourselves to death. You know whats coming……you know what it’s going to take to stop this. I don’t have to tell you. And you know what you would have prefered to see burn on that court house step. Deny it as much as you like, but it will stop when we start making these arseholes pay….and fear……and hurt……and not before

My advice to any MRA who happens to actually want equal rights for all: Knock it off with the anti-women rhetoric. Knock it off with the anecdata that supposedly proves that men are oppressed. Knock it off with using the struggles within relationships as proof that women are lying, evil, manipulative cunts, when men have just as active a role in the issues within relationships, and can be just as cruel and manipulative as the examples that you like to display. Knock it off with bullying those with opposing viewpoints. If you want true equal rights, and believe that people can be treated equally, you must treat women as equals. Demonizing them will not bring the majority of them over to your side despite the fact that a few women have been shamed into submission.

It just needs to be reiterated that what a woman is wearing or doing is not the cause of rape.

People who victim-blame do so as a way to separate themselves from the victims. “She did a, b, and c, so I’m gonna do x, y, and z instead to avoid the same fate.”

That gives women a false sense of security. “Oh, if only I don’t dress a certain way, don’t go to certain places at certain times, don’t drink in public, then it’ll never happen to me.”

When the truth is, children get raped, elderly people get raped, men get raped, women wearing sweats get raped, women wearing miniskirts get raped, fat people get raped, thin people get raped, disabled people get raped, able-bodied people get raped, straight people get raped, queer people get raped, cis-gendered people get raped, trans people get raped, you can get raped in a parking garage or a back alley, or in your own bed. No one is exempt to the actions of someone else. - The Dangers of Victim Blaming

When I see people touting this belief that women get raped because they dress like sluts, it just makes me fear for every woman that person associates with. It makes me sad for them. It makes me afraid of what actions the person who is thinking this is justifying with their ignorant opinions.

These things are never limited to just harmless opinions. Someone is always victimized by them in one way or another. 

Is it frustrating to be viewed with suspicion merely because of one’s sex? Heck yes. (Is it frustrating to be viewed as a sexual object merely because one is young and female? Ask around.) Men ought to be angry that they need to “prove their harmlessness.” Indeed, they ought to be enraged! But our anger is rightly directed not at women who have been the victims (individually and collectively) of predatory males, but at those men who have “poisoned the well” for everyone else. Rather than demand that women “smile more” or “trust more” or “just know that I’m a good guy,” men need to channel their frustration at being “pre-judged” into a commitment to end what it is that causes women’s suspicion in the first place.

Holding other men accountable, challenging sexist and objectifying language and behavior in yourself and in other males (whether or not women are around) is the single most effective thing men can do to change the culture of “guilty until proven innocent.” Rape, assault, and harassment are allowed to flourish not merely through the actions of a few “bad apples,” but through the unwillingness of the “nice guys” to challenge other men. Silence is, in practical terms, tacit consent and approval.

There’s more to being a “good guy” than not raping women. Good guys hold themselves and other men accountable, in public and in private. That’s a high standard to meet, particularly for the young. But it’s only by meeting that standard that men can help to change the culture. And until we do that, our feelings of guilt will not be entirely undeserved.